A New Hope Farce
by idleness
Summary: Neal loses a letter; everything goes wrong. Originally written for Skylar in Fief Goldenlake's 2013 Wishing Tree event.


This was incredibly embarrassing.

Neal realised with horror that an unfinished letter, intended only for the eyes of his beloved Yuki, had somehow got mixed up in the infirmary returns to be sent to Lord Wyldon at fort Mastiff. His first thought was to raise the matter with Kel, retrieve the letter, save face. But better still, he reasoned, would be if he slipped into her office and found it while she was on patrol in the afternoon. No one need be any wiser.

Everything was fortuitously timed for the retrieval of his letter. The headquarters were basically empty on Sunday afternoons, so it was nothing to slip in unnoticed and use his master key to unlock the commander's office—only to come face to face with Merric as the door opened.

"What are you doing in here?" demanded Neal. He knew he looked like a startled deer.

"Finishing up some paperwork. Why do you think Kel offered to take my place today?" drawled the redheaded knight gloomily. "What are _you_ sneaking in here for?"

"I forgot something in my infirmary returns."

"You did, eh? Must be something pretty important," Merric said, eyeing him suspiciously.

"It is," Neal said airily. "I must find them."

He moved over toward Kel's desk and eyed it. The top was completely clutter-free, save for pens, an inkwell, and various stamps. She seemed to keep all of her paperwork in three locked bureau drawers, to one side of the desk. His scheme was beginning to look foolish. If Merric hadn't unexpectedly been there, he would have fallen back on his original plan and admitted to Kel his mistake.

Neal drew the wires he'd prepared from his belt—he picked up more than just healing from Alanna the Lioness—and unlocked the bureau.

Merric joined him to peer into the drawers.

"Don't you have paperwork to do?" Neal demanded.

Merric shrugged.

"It's not going anywhere. So what are you looking for again?"

"A letter. It should be with my infirmary returns," Neal replied. He began lifting bundles of paper out of the drawers and putting it on top of the desk.

"What sort of letter?"

"Just let me know if you find my returns," replied Neal impatiently. He pushed a stack of papers toward his friend.

Merric huffed but started rifling through the papers. Neal pulled another pile toward himself and did the same.

"Kel gets a lot of letters from that cousin of yours," Merric remarked after a while, holding up an unfolded letter.

"What do they say?" Neal asked, curious.

"Oh, not much really," replied Merric, reading. "But they're awfully long. Does he write long letters about nothing to you?"

"Let me see," Neal said, taking the letter. He couldn't tell if Merric was insinuating something or not.

His eyes scanned through the page of familiar handwriting.

"It's all about his cat," Neal said with disgust.

"Like I said; nothing. Wait, this one is about you—Hey!"

Neal snatched the letter before Merric had even finished talking.

"Huh. Laughing at my expense with my best friend," Neal said, sighing dramatically. "I would be disappointed in him, except that I've come to expect this sort of thing."

Merric snorted and passed him several more. "These are all about skirmishes they've had and tactics the Scanrans have tried around Fort Steadfast."

Neal flicked through them. They were certainly long and chatty. He looked up to see Merric turn bright red and quickly re-fold another letter.

"Neal, this is wrong. We shouldn't be reading Kel's mail."

Neal glared. "You're the one who started reading it," he said. "Isn't it a bit too late to be having qualms now?"

"But this whole thing was your idea!" protested Merric.

"What did that letter say?" Neal asked. "Was it from my cousin too?"

Merric turned redder and glowered at him. "It's really none of our business," he mumbled.

"All right—you're right; this is wrong, and Kel would tan our hides if she caught us. Let's just find my infirmary returns."

"Why don't you just wait until Kel gets back and ask where she keeps her reports?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I just can't!" Neal said, glaring.

Merric looked at him suspiciously.

"What sort of letter did you lose again? You still haven't said."

"A _private_ letter," Neal said impatiently.

"And Kel's aren't? You are such a hypocrite," muttered Merric, shaking his head. "Your returns aren't in this pile."

"They're not in any of those piles," said Kel, walking into the room.

Neal and Merric looked up guiltily. Merric turned red again and mumbled something about needing to finish his paperwork.

Neal figured there was nothing left to lose now.

"Where are they, then?"

"About half way to fort Mastiff, I presume," said Kel, amused. "The courier left this morning. Why does it matter?"

Neal let out a wail of despair.

"Did you... read my returns before you compiled your report?" asked Neal.

"Of course," replied Kel.

Neal examined her carefully blank face.

"Did you find anything... out of place?"

"You mean something like this?" she asked, drawing an envelope from her pocket and waving it in front of him.

Neal snatched for it, but Kel was faster.

"Nuh-uh. You have to ask nicely," she said. Then she glanced at her unlocked bureau and desk strewn with paper. "_Extra_ nicely," she amended.

Another form darkened the door.

"Hey, Kel! Can you tell me—oh, never mind, here he is. Sir Meathead!"

Neal scowled as Dom entered the small office. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

"It's a pleasure to see you too," retorted Dom cheerfully. "My lord kindly sent me and my boys with supplies and permission to stay for Midwinter."

Merric, his face now the same colour as his hair, took this opportunity to claim the job of overseeing Dom's squad getting settled in the barracks and fled. Neal silently cursed him.

Dom then seemed to notice the silent stand-off occurring between Neal and Kel.

"Can someone tell me what's going on here?" he demanded, eyes flicking uneasily between them, then to the papers on the desk by Neal. "Hey! Are those _my_ letters?"


End file.
